If you’ve thrown your share of dinner parties and holiday gatherings, it’s easy to think of all the ways guests can spoil the evening. Maybe it’s a friend who sneaks your dog table scraps, leading to an episode of diarrhea, or an aunt who arrives an hour early and expects a tour of your home. But what if it’s the other way around? Sometimes, the most well-meaning hosts can inadvertently make their guests uncomfortable.
Below, we consulted experts about the hosting habits you should avoid and how to put your guests at ease. Read on to see if you’re guilty of these common mistakes.
Going overboard with the theme or schedule
Your attention to detail is what makes you a thoughtful host. “But sometimes you can get so caught up in curating the perfect theme, you lose sight of what a gathering is truly about: the people you get to spend time with,” said Michelle Durpetti, owner and lead planner at Michelle Durpetti Events. Her advice was to make your theme welcoming. “Guests should feel inspired, not intimidated,” she said.
She also warned against trying to fit too many activities into one party. Olivia Pollock, Evite’s etiquette and hosting expert, agreed, saying that overscheduling can make guests feel rushed and stressed. If there’s a lull, be prepared with activities, but allow the event to unfold naturally.
Aside from the itinerary, another way you can go overboard is by constantly checking in on guests. This unintentional scrutiny puts them on edge. Instead of hovering, check in occasionally and allow guests to mingle. “If they need something, trust that they will let you know,” Pollock said.
Not specifying what time the party ends
Most guests appreciate not having to make a hasty exit. Likewise, if you feel awkward about goodbyes, you might be tempted to leave the night open-ended. But without a clear end time, some guests are left wondering when they’re supposed to leave, while others might overstay their welcome.
“If you are hosting a party and know you’ll want it to end by a certain hour, perhaps because of commitments the next day or to avoid disturbing neighbors, you need to put an end time on the invitation,” said Annemarie Schumacher, founder of Make Every Day an Event.
For formal gatherings and when the budget allows, consider hiring a bartender. “Then, it’s not the host shutting down the party, it’s the bartender closing the bar,” she said.
Separating couples at larger functions
Place cards can be helpful when you’re hosting a sit-down brunch or dinner. Perhaps your goal is to avoid seating certain people together, such as those with strong personalities. Or you might be trying to mix things up by separating couples, so everyone has a chance to mingle.
“This has been traditionally thought of as a great way to stimulate conversation and create an interesting evening,” Schumacher said. “I’ve often heard that couples consider more formal occasions to be a ’date night’ outing without their children and away from work concerns, meaning they’d like to be seated together.”
In deciding where to seat guests, consider how well they know each other and the size of your function. “If you’re hosting a dinner party at your home for 8 to 10 people, assigned seating can be fun,” Schumacher said. With this size gathering, it shouldn’t be an imposition to separate couples. But at a more formal affair, it’s harder for conversations to flow freely across a large table with a centerpiece blocking your sightline.
Insisting on games or group sharing
The success of a party depends on how much the guests enjoy themselves. If you see someone hanging out at the snack table or looking down at their phone, you might feel like it’s your duty as a host to get everyone involved. Perhaps that means playing a game, taking turns saying what you’re thankful for, or reading aloud part of a blessing (basically, every introvert’s nightmare).
“Although the thought is there, putting guests on the spot for a game they’re not interested in or having them share personal feelings out of the blue can make them feel pressured and uncomfortable,” Pollock said. Those snack-table guests might be taking a much-needed break from socializing. Durpetti added that “not everyone is comfortable speaking in groups.”
Before setting up charades or trivia, allow guests to determine their comfort level with games. “I personally avoid games but encourage setting a table with interesting décor or printing a fun fact on a menu or place card to spark conversation,” Durpetti said. Rather than forcing public displays of gratitude, which can sound performative, she suggested making a thoughtful playlist or toast to celebrate being together.
“If you want to say what you’re thankful for, go ahead, and some guests will speak naturally, but don’t call anyone out who doesn’t want to share,” Pollock said. She also suggested setting out cards or games so guests can play if they wish. “If you’re really aiming for connection, an interactive station like a make-your-own cocktail or mocktail bar is a personal fave,” she added.
Only providing alcoholic beverages
As you’re planning festive cocktails, you may overlook nonalcoholic options. “I would suggest never throwing a party that only offers alcoholic beverages,” Schumacher said. “It’s flat-out rude. As a host, it’s your role to be considerate of your guests’ preferences.”
For various reasons, some people are choosing nonalcoholic beverages. Schumacher suggested using seltzers, juices, tonics, sodas, and fruits to create delicious options for your non-imbibing guests.
Drawing attention to dietary restrictions
Part of being a gracious host is being mindful of your guests’ dietary needs. “Calling out someone’s restrictions in front of a group, even with good intentions, can make them feel singled out or embarrassed,” Durpetti said. To avoid this, she suggested communicating with guests privately before the event and designing a menu with a few versatile and inclusive dishes.
For example, you can prepare a grain salad or a roasted vegetable side that everyone can enjoy. Or, you can label dishes as gluten-free or vegan. That way, guests feel cared for without having to disclose their dietary needs.
Apologizing for your home or decor
Aside from worrying about overcooked potatoes, it’s easy to fixate on cracked ceilings, claw marks on the floor, or how tiny your living room seems compared to your friend’s spacious abode. Plus, you’re hoping no one peeks behind the shower curtain where you stashed hockey gear and pet beds. To preempt any criticism from guests, you might spend the evening apologizing for outdated fixtures, cluttered countertops, or your unfinished DIY projects.
“I completely understand not feeling confident in your hosting space, but I can guarantee that guests are not noticing as much as you think they are,” Pollock said. “When you apologize for your home or decor, it can put guests in an uncomfortable position and make them feel like they have to reassure you. No one wants that awkward tension.”
Her advice is to shift your focus to making festive drinks, preparing delicious food, and keeping the conversation upbeat. No one is paying attention to mismatched glassware or scratches on the furniture. “Embrace your space and remember that your guests are there for you and your company, not your home,” she added.