Imagine if you could custom-order your dream partner — someone who’s tailor-made to love you, protect you and fulfill your wildest desires.
That’s the delightfully bonkers premise of “Wicker,” the medieval romantic comedy that hit theaters Oct. 23. When a lonely, ostracized fisherwoman (Olivia Colman) commissions a local basketweaver (Peter Dinklage) to make her a husband out of wicker (Alexander Skarsgård), she gets a partner who checks every box — and then some.
According to the fable — which is adapted from Ursula Wills’ acclaimed short story “The Wicker Husband” — the perfect man comes with a few unexpected surprises when he’s made of wicker. Audiences got a taste of what that might entail when the movie’s sexy trailer dropped this summer, with the local townswomen marveling over an unusual suitor in their village who’s “strong as a tree and just as hard.”
Apparently, that little big detail — along with the R-rated movie’s racy sex scenes — was enough to send viewers’ imaginations running wild. And with some critics rightfully dubbing “Wicker” the horniest film of the year, Skarsgård’s handcrafted hunk has inspired more than a few interesting questions.
Chief among them, unsurprisingly, is whether getting intimate with a “wicker man” carries the risk of any unfortunate mishaps, like splinters.
As it turns out, the splinter question isn’t as farfetched as it sounds — especially given the many other curiosities that come with the prospect of a magically woven lover. Nazanin Moali, a certified sex therapist and host of the “Sexology” podcast, told HuffPost it’s “absolutely” a legitimate concern for anyone wondering about the potential hazards of a wicker “partner.”
“That to me was very interesting because it sounds like a fantasy, right?” Moali told HuffPost of the made-to-order husband in “Wicker.” “And what makes it interesting is that erotic energy.”
Moali admitted she was a bit shocked that “Wicker” fans have become so “fixated on the splinter abrasion of all aspects.” But after watching the film’s steamy trailer herself, she understood why people were asking that one burning question.
“It kind of makes sense that people get curious about how that would work,” she added.
“I do want to be clear. There is no data on sex with a wicker penis.”
Before getting too tangled up in all the practical questions surrounding “Wicker,” there’s one detail worth straightening out: “Wicker” primarily refers to a weaving technique that involves plaiting, twisting or interlacing flexible materials. Skarsgård’s swoonworthy costume is actually made of willow — a lightweight wood with a uniform grain that’s been a longtime favorite among basketweavers.
As Moali noted, intimacy involving wooden or wicker objects in real life would pose genuine health risks, including injuries such as vaginal microtears.
“Vaginal tissue very easily can get scratched and can bleed, depending on how smooth the wicker is,” sexual health and menopause expert Lauren Streicher told Vulture, but added: “I do want to be clear. There is no data on sex with a wicker penis.”
For those wondering, Moali also pointed out that wooden or wicker objects and lube don’t mix. As she explained, applying a lubricant in this case “might impact the quality and create this non-hygienic outcome.”
As for the question that’s seemingly on every “Wicker” fan’s mind, the sex therapist said she couldn’t recall ever hearing of someone getting a vaginal splinter from intercourse, self-pleasure or otherwise.
“That would be very interesting,” Moali said. She explained that people use other “pervertibles” — or household items that can be repurposed as sex toys — around the house, but she fortunately hasn’t heard about splinters.
Unlike what unfolds in “Wicker” (don’t worry, no spoilers here!), experts note that incorporating toys into your sex life can actually come with a few perks that a human partner lacks.
“Obviously, there’s no risk of pregnancy” or STIs, Moali said.
She added that toys also offer people “more control” over their experience and come with the benefit of helping the receiving partner “prepare their body” for penetrative sex. “There’s less relational expectation, so that could be another positive thing,” she added.
But while you probably won’t need to worry about splinters with conventional sex toys, they aren’t entirely risk-free. Improper cleaning can still lead to bacterial infections.
After all, even “Wicker” took safety measures during filming. Costume designers Tóth András Dániel and Attila Godena-Juhász told The Hollywood Reporter that the artificial member Skarsgård wore was “3D printed in a special rubber-like material” and “obviously softer than the real wicker.”
Beyond taking a few precautions, though, experts say there’s no need to fret if the film has sparked your curiosity about exploring your own “Wicker” fantasy or even uncovered a newfound fetish.
Dániel and Godena-Juhász, meanwhile, are just happy audiences are enthusiastic about their creation.
“That was our goal: to do something that can inspire mainstream fashion,” Dániel said. “But it was still a surprise that the hype is so big around the movie.”