There are so many types of “gaps” in relationships that it’s hard to keep track: you might know about age-gap relationships, wealth-gap relationships and intelligence-gap relationships. But could the latest dating divide be the sports gap?
A “sports gap relationship” is one in which one partner has a significantly more active lifestyle than the other: They’re the person spending weekends hiking mountains, training for races, playing in multiple sports leagues or heading to the gym several times a week, while their partner has a very different relationship with exercise. It can also apply to watching sports as much as playing them. Game days may take priority over date night, or you may struggle to get your partner to understand just how devastating a Super Bowl loss can be.
At first glance, it might seem like a harmless difference, but a sports gap can shape a relationship in unexpected ways. It can affect how couples spend their free time, how they navigate shared interests and even how partners feel about their own bodies and lifestyles.
“Sports-gap relationships can feel difficult because it requires a lot of time, energy, and discipline to be athletic,” explained Orion Taraban, a psychologist, relationship expert and creator of PsycHacks. “And time and energy spent on fitness is not time and energy spent on the relationship. We don’t like to think about it, but how we deploy our resources is often a zero-sum game. Fitness gaps can strain relationships for the same reason that overwork or addiction can: They deplete what is available to spend on the primary relationship.”
What is it like to be in a sports-gap relationship?
Earlier this year, I experienced my first sports-gap relationship. I’d always considered myself healthy enough, going to Pilates classes and getting my steps in, but suddenly I was dating up in terms of athleticism. The man I was dating played padel, tennis and touch rugby every week — often multiple times a week. I quickly found that we could only see each other once a week, after his padel court bookings and latest tennis competition had been confirmed.
Meanwhile, my evenings were usually free. I hadn’t been part of a team since high school, while he regularly went for drinks with his rugby teammates. Beyond the time constraints, the relationship also made me reflect on my own relationship with exercise. I’d often feel lazy by comparison, staying home to read or watch Netflix while he played back-to-back padel matches.
I’d been working on making peace with my fuller figure, but suddenly it felt much more conspicuous. I felt ashamed to tell him about my evening plans and worried that he was comparing my body with those of all the sporty people around him.
But my sports-gap relationship also had its positives. Inspired by his love of padel — and desperate to find something we could eventually do together and spend more quality time on — I signed up for beginner classes. He loved that I was willing to engage with something he cared about. I also attended his tennis final, where I met his friends and family and got to see him doing something he loved.
I realized that while I’ll probably never be a team-sport person, I could see the appeal of joining a running club or playing more padel. Those activities offered the kind of social connection I’d been missing from simply going to the gym or attending workout classes.
Many daters are finding themselves in a sports-gap relationship.
On a first date, Lydia discovered that her Hinge match ran the equivalent of a 5K every single day during his lunch break. It alarmed her.
“It made me feel super unhealthy and like he was judging me, as someone who can’t run more than 1K. Three dates in, he also asked me to come and cheer him on alongside his parents at the upcoming half-marathon he was running,” she added.
They didn’t get much further with dating, Lydia said.
Alison dated Lewis (whose name has been changed to protect his identity) for six months and attributes the end of their relationship to his “obsessive love of the gym.”
“He’d get up every single morning at 5 a.m. to work out before the office, and he’d regularly cancel dates or plans to make sure nothing interfered with those morning workouts. We took a holiday together, and I was shocked to discover that he continued the habit during our trip. All of our dinners had to revolve around his macros,” Alison said.
“I kept trying to push aside how much it bothered me and remind myself that it was OK for us to be different. But then he started making comments about how I should go to the gym, and he even offered to buy me a membership. That’s when I knew enough was enough,” she added.
Don’t be fooled into thinking it’s always the man who is the more active half of a sports-gap relationship. Daphne has always been extremely sporty and has run two marathons. But when she got together with her husband, Jake (name changed to protect his identity), she quickly realized he didn’t share her passion for exercise.
“For me, it wasn’t about exercise specifically, but about health,” she said. “I never needed Jake to work out as often as I do. I was like, ‘I don’t care what you do. You don’t have to have the same workout schedule as me, you don’t have to work out as often as me, and you don’t have to do traditional strength training. Just do something.’”
“I think what I really struggled with was worrying about his health and well-being. I’d see him getting sick, and that would worry me,” she added.
They eventually found some active things they like doing together, such as bike rides, hikes and runs.
“It gives us these longer moments where we’re really present, doing something together and detached from our phones and day-to-day life,” she said. “So I think that was really good once we found those things. But I’ve never really minded that he does his own thing, even now. I think the health concerns were different because we had to have that discussion about whether we valued the same things. For me, health is an important value to have.”
It seems Daphne has had quite the influence: She and her husband are now signed up for their first Hyrox competition in December.
Sports-gap relationships can play a part in same-sex relationships just as much as heterosexual ones, and some people believe they may be particularly common among gay men, including Axel.
“It’s such a thing with gay guys, especially,” Axel explained. “They’re not just judging each other’s bodies, but also their fitness abilities. It becomes some kind of flex to do lots of different sports or be able to bench a certain amount.”
He continued: “When my ex broke up with me, he said we were too different, and listed our different fitness levels as an example of that.”
Supporting sports teams can also cause a divide in relationships.
Meg’s fiancé, Adam (whose name has been changed to protect his identity), is a devoted Arsenal football supporter, and she’s found the team holds a sacred place in their relationship.
“He doesn’t expect me to watch the games with him, thank goodness, but he puts them in our shared calendar so I know when they’re on,” she explained. “If it’s a big one, he might be like, ‘Please watch it with me.’ He wants me to come to games with him this year at the stadium. It doesn’t dominate our lives, and I think he understands that. He’ll stop. He bought me a shirt this year, and he likes to be a fan with me. Sometimes when I’m home alone, he’ll ask if I’m watching, and I’ll tell him, ‘I’m keeping an eye on the score.’”
“Last year, when Arsenal won the Premier League, I made him go to the parade afterward because the day before, they’d lost the Champions League and he was so sad. He came home and had lost his voice from screaming, and he was like, ‘I don’t want to go anymore.’ I was like, ‘Adam, you spent all year watching the games, and they finally won something, and there’s a huge parade with all the fans. I think we need to go.’ So we went, and it was really cute. He had the best time. It was like a date, I guess,” she said.
“I sometimes think that he doesn’t put this much interest into my interests, like musical theater, so why should I put this much interest into football?” she continued. “But he doesn’t understand that they could possibly be equal. I also think it’s a bit unfair, as there are two games a week. None of my interests require that much time.”
For Katie, she’s the one driving a love of sports in her relationship — much to her girlfriend’s dismay.
“Anna couldn’t care less about football or my team, the Buffalo Bills,” Katie said, referring to her girlfriend with a different name to protect her identity. “She doesn’t get why I want to watch football every Sunday, and she refuses to join me for it. It really bothers me, and then she compares it to how she likes Taylor Swift, and I don’t. I think supporting a sports team is so much more personal than what music you listen to.”
At the end of the day, sports gaps may not fit as neatly into the “opposites attract” mentality as other differences in hobbies or interests. But they don’t necessarily have to be a deal-breaker, either. Open conversations about how each partner wants to spend their time, along with a willingness to compromise, can help. Sometimes, simply showing an interest in your partner’s sport can go a long way — without requiring you to take it up yourself.