Becoming a parent means mastering diaper changes, car seat installation and firm but fair discipline. It also provides the opportunity to hone some more ... unusual skills, like hosting toy funerals, perfectly reheating coffee that’s gone cold and sounding extra enthusiastic about very boring occurrences.
Over the years, the funny moms and dads of Twitter have shared the new abilities they’ve gained through child rearing, and needless to say, they’re relatable. Below, we’ve rounded up 35 funny tweets about parents’ special skills. Enjoy!
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
— Northern Lights 🦖🦎🐢 (@PinkCamoTO) April 28, 2015
When you sign up to be a parent, the fine print really reads "referee with hostage negotiating skills".
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 4, 2015
You're welcome.
I know how to track a wild animal. Once I followed a trail of fruit snack wrappers to my 5-year-old.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 31, 2020
Another surprise benefit of having a baby is using my new swaddling skills to roll a tight, tight burrito.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 24, 2015
You learn many new skills as a parent. For example, I just delivered an impassioned impromptu eulogy for a balloon animal.
— David Vienna (@davidvienna) October 22, 2016
Of course I talk in my sleep. I have twin 5yos, I answer most of their questions while I'm still asleep.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 6, 2015
Want to survive as a parent? I hope you can multitask. Right now I'm watching the game AND ignoring both kids.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 18, 2018
There are certain instinctive mom skills that can’t be taught. Like sensing exactly how long you have to hold on to a dandelion your kid picked for you before it’s safe to discreetly toss it aside.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 8, 2019
To the person who put slime in my kids’ Halloween buckets:
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) November 17, 2019
I have a special set of skills.
I will find you.
I will feed your children chocolate covered espresso beans.
I think possibly one of the most valuable skills you need as a parent is the ability to sound really enthusiastic about something that is actually really fucking boring.
— Jack's Dad (@DaddingAround) February 28, 2019
"Wooooow! Yeah! That wall is so green! It's the greenest wall I've ever seen!"#parenting #dadlife
One useful skill parents acquire is how to be only moderately grossed out when another person coughs into your mouth.
— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) January 21, 2016
One skill you quickly learn as a parent is how to secretly make a picture book much shorter than it really is.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 29, 2017
The last few years as a parent, I have developed the very specific skill of surgically removing one toy from another.
— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) January 27, 2021
4yo: "I can't find Elsa's shoe!"
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) June 18, 2019
Me: "Look under the couch next to some old goldfish."
Husband: "Babe, where's my belt?"
Me: "Look behind the dresser in our room."
When you become a mom, you develop skills like being able to find random crap like a highly-trained bloodhound.
As a parent, I've learned you apparently need an education from Hogwarts to make perfect slime.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) October 11, 2020
Am thinking of redoing my resume to include my mom skills. So far I have waitress, doctor and indentured servant.
— The Dose of Reality (@TheDoseTweets) September 9, 2014
Moms know how to persevere. We'll reheat 1 cup of coffee over & over again because we WILL drink our coffee hot if it's the last thing we do
— Toni Hammer (@thetonihammer) September 7, 2017
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I'd apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don't change the taste of pasta.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) November 9, 2014
Told another parent that I'm also really excited about our daughters' soccer game this weekend.
— The Dad (@thedad) October 30, 2015
*adds "acting" to skills on LinkedIn*
Physical Skills You Will Master As A Parent:
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) April 12, 2019
- The One-Armed Tantrum Hold
- The Snacktime Shuffle
- The Restaurant Exit Sprint
Physical Skills That Will Decline With Parenthood:
- Standing Up After Sitting
- Getting Off The Couch Past 9 p.m.
- Sleeping Longer Than 2 Hours
Takes a special skill to get your kid to their 8am game (gotta be there at 7am🙃) game on time w/o putting them in a headlock. Cuz listen...
— Reagan Gomez (@ReaganGomez) February 12, 2017
Wife and I just rage cleaned the house together. We know how to live up a Saturday night.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 14, 2020
Most of being a parent means saying "Great!!" when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
— The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) November 17, 2015
When my kids are with their dad for the weekend, I go to Target and yell at other people's kids just to keep my skills sharp.
— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) July 22, 2017
Parent Special Skills:
— Jack's Dad (@DaddingAround) January 27, 2018
▪️Can eat a meal in 6.4 seconds
▪️Can function on no more than 40 minutes sleep a week
▪️Can produce a wet wipe at any given moment
▪️Can sound really enthusiastic about literally anything#parenting
Me, in the Mother of the Year Pageant.
— Becky Too Many Kids, Send Help (@beckyhas4kids) March 2, 2018
"Which skill have you found most transferrable to motherhood?"
Me: I would say peeling price stickers off the things I buy. My kids put stickers everywhere and 37% of my day is spent removing them. pic.twitter.com/7E258wLKc2
I’m about to watch cookie decorating videos set to hip hop music with my reheated coffee so don’t tell me I don’t know how to let loose
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) December 13, 2020
I got mad skills as in I'm pretty good at being angry.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 4, 2016
Mother's Day is a great chance to polish your acting skills.
— Myrrh (@ixix82) May 14, 2017
Like when I was 4 and bought my mom a hermit crab as a gift and she "loved" it.
Grocery checkout lane: [5 throwing cart contents on the conveyor belt like the Swedish chef while I organize them with my Tetris skills]
— Doc McMuffins (@Cynical_Parent) November 1, 2019
5: MOM, WHY are you like this?
Me: You're gonna either become me or you're not. Deal with it.
Today my son told me he wanted his bread "burnt.", meaning toasted. I THINK that's one helluva testament to his mother's cooking skills.
— Janelle Hanchett (@JanelleHanchett) September 26, 2011
Hi, I'm a dad!
— Jack's Dad (@DaddingAround) September 13, 2018
My special skills include sleeping on only 5% of a bed, and surviving almost entirely on leftover food. 👍🏼#parenting #dadlife
My wife keeps mocking me for turning into a grandmother. I say I’m trying to be a well rounded individual. I like to shoot arrows at things AND bake cookies. Be the tech guy AND knit scarfs.
— Elon James White #ADDcheckin (@elonjames) January 5, 2019
You know. Proper Dad skills. 😁 #DGProper
Skills you need to learn before becoming a parent:
— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) January 13, 2018
1. How to teach your child how to brush their teeth.
2. How to give up on getting anything done for the entire night while you force your child to brush their teeth.
3. How to brush a child’s teeth for them.
As a parent, my greatest skill is lowering the bar for other parents.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) June 26, 2020
You’re welcome.