A grandparent can be one of the most important people in your life or a stranger you barely know ― and there’s usually a reason why.
That’s because the grandparent you get or the one you become usually falls into known patterns categorized by researchers.
Building off of the 1964 classification system developed by age researchers Bernice Neugarten and Karol Weinstein, here are seven of the most popular modern grandparenting styles.
See which one you are, or which one you have, because there’s one style you might want to try emulating or encouraging, for everyone’s peace of mind.
The Formal Grandparent
Mathilde Duflos, a psychology researcher at the University of Tours in France who studies grandparent-grandchild relationships, said the more formal kind of grandparenting is falling out of favor in Western societies.
“Today’s grandparents had more formal relationships with their own grandparents and many decided to embody a new kind of grandparent,” Duflos said.
Under this hierarchical structure, grandparents are not their grandchild’s friend and have clear boundaries around how they will interact with grandchildren.
“Most of the formal grandparents ... became formal because they wanted to share exactly the same thing with their grandchildren,” Duflos explained. “And they were like, ‘OK, I have 12 grandchildren. I don’t want any of them to be a privileged one. ... So because I want equality, I will distance myself emotionally from everyone.’”
The Buddy Grandparent
Under the companionate style, grandparents are a trusted confidante and friend who grandchildren can go to without the judgment they might face from other family members.
Grandchildren “learn how to express their emotions, how to be true to themselves, how to develop their personality without fear of being judged,” Duflos said.
The Fun-Seekers
Duflos said fun-seeking grandparents are the grandparents we most expect to have during early childhood. For this grandparent, their job is to teach their grandchild how to enjoy life.
These are the grandparents who will play endless games of hide-and-seek with their grandchildren. They will take their grandchildren to museums and amusement parks for a day out on the town.
Madonna Harrington Meyer, a sociologist at Syracuse University and author of “Grandmothers at Work,” said she interviewed one self-described “fun-time grandma.”
“She said, ‘I don’t provide day care, but if it’s their birthday or if they’re going to graduate, I swoop in ... for the time of their life, and then I bring them home and I drop them off and I drive away,’” Harrington Meyer recalled.
The Distant Ones
A 2022 survey of 2,000 Americans found that more than half of grandchildren cannot name all four of their grandparents’ names. This might be because the grandparent is not a fixture in their grandchild’s life.
The happy distant grandparents who Duflos has met, she said, are the ones who don’t want to be defined by their family relationships.
“Sometimes grandparents are literally distant. They live far, far away, so there just isn’t much contact,” Harrington Meyer said. “And some grandparents just don’t want to do the child care.”
Sometimes, grandparents are less involved because it’s the wish of the adult child, too. Harrington Meyer said that some grandparents she has interviewed wanted to provide more care and see the grandkids more often than they were permitted by the adult children.
The Caregiver Grandparent
About 5% of grandparents in multigenerational households are primary caregivers of a grandchild living with them, according to one 2019 AARP survey.
This style of intensive grandparenting is usually not by choice but by necessity. Duflos said this often happens when parents are going through a divorce or a grandchild or parent has a disability.
“When the middle generation is in distress, grandparents tend to step up to reinvest their own role of grandparent, not only to better help their grandchild but mostly to support their own child,” Duflos said.
Sometimes, being asked to take care of a grandchild all the time can lead to conflicts, though. In her research, Harrington Meyer said, the most tension she saw in families was when the adult children expected too much from grandparents.
“They felt entitled to too much care. They were always calling, always asking for more and not grateful for what they were getting,” she said. “Entitlement was difficult for grandparents to endure.”
The Family Historians
As grandchildren get older, some grandparents are more likely to adopt this style to be the family historian who provides wisdom and cultural background about the grandchild’s roots.
It can be a win-win for grandparents. As they age, being fun-seeking can be energy-consuming, Duflos said, so these grandparents may make their main duty to be the wise family member, especially once they believe the grandchild is old enough to understand what they mean.
“Sometimes there are family secrets, family traumas that could not be shared in early life, but that can be shared during adolescence and emerging adulthood,” Duflos said.
The Indulgent Enablers
Duflos said some grandparents believe some level of indulgence “is the secret to having good grandparent-grandchild relationships.”
This may mean holding your tongue when your grandson is making a career choice you don’t agree with or staying neutral when they befriend someone you would rather they not.
But in some cases, being too indulgent with grandchildren can mean going against the parents’ wishes, which can lead to arguments with adult children.
Harrington Meyer gave the example of grandparents letting grandchildren eat sugar or watch TV for several hours after school, even though the parents prohibited these behaviors.
“I saw a lot of tension when grandparents had been breaking the rules and the parents were upset about it,” Harrington Meyer said.
Is There One Style Of Grandparenting That Is Best? It Depends.
Of course, all of these grandparenting styles happen on a spectrum, and you may be both fun-seeking and more strict, depending on the occasion or the grandchild.
You don’t have to be something you’re not, but if there’s one style to strive for, Duflos said, it might be the companionate style of grandparenting. In Duflos’ research, these were the grandparents who were happiest with their arrangement, because they felt emotionally close to their grandchildren.
“It’s something that they value a lot, being able to have developed this strong, positive relationship with the kid of their kids,” Duflos said. “It’s something that is priceless for them.”
It’s a style you can emulate, even if you’re naturally more reticent. If you’re a grandparent, “listening to your grandchild is something that everyone can try to do.” She noted that sharing family wisdom can also be a way for more formal grandparents to meaningfully connect with grandchildren.
Whatever style of grandparent you are or have thrust upon you, make sure you are on the same page as the adult children.
“It almost doesn’t matter what kind of grandparent you are, as long as you and the parents agree. The trick is for the parents and the grandparents to agree on the roles and the rules,” Harrington Meyer said. Once that happens, “then there could be a really harmonious relationship.”
So if you have a grandparent in your life, be sure to check in on how they are feeling and thank them for their help and wisdom ― it will be much appreciated.