Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Welcome to parenthood. Did you know you have a pimple? If not, it will be pointed out to you.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 27, 2019
[buying shoes for our kids]
— Christopher Ashman (@CAshmanActor) July 31, 2019
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My toddler baby is watching a storm out the front window. She says, “Quiet...quiet. Kaboom comin’.”
— emery lord (@emerylord) July 30, 2019She whispers: “I did it.”
You’re not really a parent until you have a large dent in your refrigerator
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 29, 2019
It is a well-known parenting fact that a toddler’s overwhelming desire to “do something themselves” is directly proportional to the number of minutes you are running late.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) July 31, 2019
My Toddler: NO, I'M NOT THIRSTY
— Not another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) July 27, 2019
also my Toddler: pic.twitter.com/5f1BhXJLaF
When my kids assure me they will clean up their mess, I know what my dentist must feel when I assure him I will floss.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) August 1, 2019
Sure, childbirth is painful, but have you ever taken a group of tween girls to the mall?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 29, 2019
Day 1 of summer: *fills car w beach toys* I just want to make the summer special for my precious little guys!
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 31, 2019
Day 33 of summer: *throws remote onto couch* THERE, NOW STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME YOU JACKALS!
Parenthood: remembering that "don't be a jerk" is probably just as effective as the more natural, "don't be a dick" that you want to say
— Not another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) July 31, 2019
Me: *Spends a large amount of money and countless hours on re doing kids’ room.
— Heather🦈Doo doo Doo do (@dishs_up) July 29, 2019
Toddler: *kicks me out of my bed in the middle of the night.
Me: *sleeps in the bottom bunk of a Peppa Pig themed bunk bed.*
Can anyone recommend a good wine that pairs well with a teenager's shitty attitude?
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 27, 2019
To prove he’s his father’s child, 10 is packing for vacation, throws a wrinkled pair of board shorts in the bottom of a hockey bag & says, “.... in case we go out to eat someplace nice.”
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) July 31, 2019
My kid is convinced sharks enter through the teeny tiny drains at the bottom of pools and live in the deep ends and now we’re all too scared to go in the pool.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 1, 2019
My 4yo thinks I have magical powers bc I always know when she's out of her bed upstairs.
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) July 28, 2019
So I'm gonna ride this thought out until she figures out it's actually bc she runs like a Clydesdale across her room and even the neighbors can hear it.
ME: [ with first kid] Alright I made chicken and veggies for dinner. For a snack you can have carrots.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 1, 2019
[3 kids in]
KID: Dad can I have this for dinner [holds up bag of reeses pieces]
ME: literally do not care. have at it.
2yo: *has meltdown because I won’t let her take plate of food to table*
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) July 30, 2019
Me: *surrenders and gives 2yo plate of food to take to table*
2yo: *immediately tilts plate and food slides onto floor*
Me: *cries on the inside and also quite loudly on the outside*
I wish I could use the same excuses to call into work that my kid uses to get out of bed at night. Like, “Sorry, I can’t come in today there are too many stuffed animals in my bed.”
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 29, 2019
Shoutout to everyone who let the pool count as a bath for your child for the 5th day in a row.
— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) July 31, 2019
Y’all are my people.
Wife: how was potty training today?
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) July 30, 2019
Me: well he pooped-
Wife: that’s great!
Me: no I can’t find it!
Me: *husband's foot brushes against me* Ew, gross! Stop it! I hate feet!!!
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) July 30, 2019
Also me: *kisses toddlers toes, rubs her foot all over my face* Oh my goodness, I love your footsie wootsies! Yes I do!!
Me to my kids: “Not everything’s a competition”
— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) August 1, 2019
Also me to my kids:
- First one to finish dinner wins!
- First one upstairs wins!
- First one in the car wins!