The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

Go to Costco, get yourself a 4 lb bag of cosmic crisp apples. Then get yourself a 2.7 year old who will take a bite out of each one when you’re not looking and throw them all behind the couch. pic.twitter.com/0UEeED20dO

— Boston Matt (@Mattman34) September 2, 2026

Taught my teen how to call the doctor’s office for info, so now we can both have anxiety about making phone calls.

— krista (@kristabellerina) August 31, 2026

my 4yo has been saying "what the hell??" lately, and my mom told her to say "heck" instead. today i was teaching her to say "what in the world?" and "what in tarnation?" because theyre funnier and she IMMEDIATELY goes:

"what in the FUCKING world??"
"what in FUCKING tarnation??"

— em (@emeliyeehaw) September 4, 2026

No one:

My 8yo: I think my teeth are getting sharper

— meghan (@deloisivete) September 2, 2026

ME: [minding my own business casually eating an apple slice]

MY KID: *finishes her apple slice one second before me* BEAT YOU!

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 31, 2026

Dropped my daughter off at daycare, and she says, "Papi, yesterday Miss Kita bit me." I'm like, WHO IS MISS KITA?!

She says, "Miss Kita, you know her."

Now I'm walking in there like a concerned parent and a detective.

Which one of y'all is Miss Kita biting my child ?

Her…

— Katy (@Maroup_) September 4, 2026

My 5yo keeps being like “I’m so excited for 9/11” and it’s because he’s getting something in the mail he’s been waiting on a long time but I finally had to be like buddy… you can’t just say that

— Jamie (@spacej_me) September 2, 2026

My toddler is very into pretend playing doctor. Tonight while eating dinner she turns to me and goes “mommy you’re sick. I’m a doctor. I can help you. But I need to finish my dinner first”. And honestly, I respect her setting those boundaries and clear patient expectations.

— Allison Fitzgerald, MD, PhD (@allisonoconn) September 1, 2026

Here’s a dad secret:
Sometimes I intentionally buy the wrong tool or material so I can take a little break in the middle of the project to go back to the hardware store.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 2, 2026