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13 Food Portmanteaus That Can Go F*** Themselves

Brunch, you can stay. Linner, get the hell out of here.

WestNet News wire Source: HuffPost

You have likely heard portmanteaus for your entire life, even if you are not exactly sure what to call them. A portmanteau is a combination of the most recognizable parts of two words, in a way that sounds fun and, ideally, indicates that they've been combined. The Atlantic Wire wrote an amazing guide to creating good portmanteaus, which you should read and giggle at, right after you read our list of the food portmanteaus we wish would die. Our favorite food portmanteau is also one of the most common: spork, a combination spoon and fork.

These portmanteaus are not good ones. These ones are kitschy at best, grating at worst, frequently perpetrated by brands and nearly always just too cute to live. These portmanteaus need to die. We're sorry. It's time.

1.

Cronuts

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We think of the cronut as the eye of the storm -- food portmanteaus have gotten so bad, it seems they can't get any worse, but we know they will.
2.

Frappuccino

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It's just a cold cappuccino, guys. A frappé is icy, it's delicious. It's not some bottled, chocolate-milk-tasting impostor.
3.

Mocktail

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BLECH.
4.

Frankenfood/Frankenfish

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Okay, this is a Frankendog, but you get our meaning. Look how sad he is.
5.

Appletini/Chocotini

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UGH. We cannot even express how UGH anything portmanteaud onto martini makes us feel. Please, cease to do this.
6.

Pluot

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Great fruit, awful name. What, was plumpricot already taken?
7.

Tofurky

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Tofurky is so ubiquitous now, we probably won't be able to get rid of it. But we will always and forever prefer turducken -- both as a portmanteau and as a meal.
8.

Stoup

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Rachael Ray describes a stoup as "thicker than soup, thinner than stew." Sorry, Rachael, stoup is already taken. A stoup holds holy water, so stop it.
9.

Linner

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Let's put an end to the use of "linner" to describe lunch and dinner. Brunch has come to describe a genre of meal. Linner will always sound bizarre in comparison.
10.

Beefaroni

Amazon
Sounds like barfaroni, don't even try to pretend otherwise.
11.

P'Zone

Pizza Hut
This is Pizza Hut's fault. Hey Pizza Hut, come over here for a second: a combination pizza/calzone? IS JUST CALLED A CALZONE. A calzone is a folded over pizza. We already had a name for it. Thank you. GOOD DAY.
12.

Spoonula

Amazon
Like we even need to explain.
13.

GoGurt

Yoplait
Only thing grosser than eating yogurt from a tube? Saying GoGurt aloud.

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