Conservatives have warned us for years that there’s a liberal media conspiracy to hide the truth about this country. They insist reporters regularly work with Democrats to put out false stories that embarrass upstanding Americans who hate the media and yet, at the same time, consume it too. Well, as a guy who has spent a few decades in the media now, it’s time to open up about this evil plot. And the truth is….yeah, Trump voters, you got us. We in the liberal media secretly meet once a week for a nice brunch and to devise new plans for destorying your candidate.
I’m sorry. We just can’t help ourselves. You know how much we love our white wine and Tofu. Everything you’ve always said we do? Turns out you were 100 percent correct the whole time. Keeping this secret for so long has left me feeling incredibly guilty. The truth must be told. That’s why I’m sharing some of the minutes from the last Liberal Media Conspiracy meeting. It’s the right thing to do. (Or, more appropriately, the far right thing to do.)
OPRAH WINFREY: Welcome! Please enjoy your brunch. It was prepared by our secret staff of 500,000 Syrian refugees. I have one quick announcement before we get started. The tribute to Hamilton organized by Rachel Maddow and Anderson Cooper were going to present has been canceled. It seems the cast had to attend a Trilateral Commission meeting. But please stick around for the swinging orgy when we’re done here. Meanwhile, we should get started figuring out next steps for tarnishing the character of true American hero Donald Trump. So let me turn this meeting over to our strategist, Michael Moore.
MICHAEL MOORE: Hey, is it hot in here or is it just all of us? I’m kidding…a global warming joke! Can you believe that we’re actually convincing people that it’s real?
(Everyone laughs heartily)
MICHAEL MOORE: Seriously, though, it’s great to be here with you. One quick update. I’m just back from a visit to the front lines of our war on Christmas and I have to say, it’s going incredibly well. Begnhazi well, in fact. And now, on to new business. As you know, Donald Trump’s campaign to tell the world about us is starting to gain momentum so we need to come up with a fresh ideas ASAP to stop him. Any suggestions?
GUY WEARING A MAN BUN: Hi, everybody. I’m here from the New York Times!
(Spontaneous applause erupts from the crowd)
GUY WEARING A MAN BUN: If we at the Times didn’t despise all acts of kindness and generosity, I’d thank you for the ovation. However, we have some work to do right now. We at the Times have come up with an ingenious idea to ruin Donald Trump’s reputation as the most caring feminist around. We want to make up some kind of fake sex scandal.
SEVERAL WOMEN IN PANT SUITS: That’s great! Give us the afternoon and we’ll create a bunch of stories about how this kind and decent family man grabbed us all. He’ll never know what hit him.
MICHAEL MOORE: Speaking of hitting, we should also dress some of you in backward baseball caps, rude t-shirts and down vests. Trump rallies are usually just a gathering of quiet Americans who want to have thoughtful discussions on policy, so just imagine what’ll happen when you show up and start screaming obscenities and racial epithets and then smack an innocent Trump supporter in the head. Extra points if they happen to praying or rescuing puppies at the time.
(Spontaneous applause erupts again, as several people chant, “Lock him up!”)
MICHAEL MOORE: I know we have a few others who want to suggest other ways to rig the election, so before we get to that fantastic homosexual sex party we’ve got planned for you all, let’s hear from them. First up, Vaguely Ethnic-Looking Man Who May Or May Not Be Muslim.
VAGUELY ETHNIC-LOOKING MAN WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE MUSLIM: Let me tell you a little secret. I was born in Michigan, just like my parents were. Hell, I even love listening to Taylor Swift. So I’m the perfect guy to sneak into a white, suburban community where I can live quietly for the new 20 years and then suddenly decided to blow up the country. Are you okay with that?
(Spontaneous applause erupts yet again as Guy Wearing A Giant Sombrero While Eating A Taco steps up to the podium)
GUY WEARING A GIANT SOMBRERO WHILE EATING A TACO: Several of my friends and I have it in our calendar to start assaulting suburban housewives next week. Then, we hope to inject them with some of the heroin we smuggled across the unobstructed border. By the way, there’s a really great taco truck parked outside if you’re interested.
(A murmur of excitement ripples through the room and the crowd parts to let a handsome man step to the podium)
GEORGE CLOONEY: Hello, I’m George Clooney. But I’m sure most of you know me better by my real name, Hussein Abdul Ricardo Jorge Clinton Clooney. I just wanted to give you a quick update on things in Hollywood. We just had a retreat with our subcommittee for figuring out ways to make abortions available on demand at any major drug store, coffee house or frozen yogurt shop. No good ideas yet but trust me, we’re working on it. Also, Bill Maher and Martin Sheen stopped by on their way back from a trip to Kenya, and they say they’ve found some great Democratic presidential candidates for the 2020 election.
MICHAEL MOORE: Okay, one more quick thing you should be aware of. Thanks to our media friends everywhere, we have successfully hidden from the public the news that on weekends and off-days, Donald Trump quietly volunteers regularly for Habitat For Humanity. But it’s up to all of you, fellow liberal co-conspirators, to do all you can to obscure the vast philanthropic history of Mr. Trump. Any other topics to cover before we head to the orgy? Which, by the way, is catered by Ben & Jerry’s today.
(Guy Who Looks Like The Guy from Monopoly steps onstage)
GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE THE GUY FROM MONOPOLY: Hey, everyone! I’m Jew-ey Jewovitz. And I’m here on behalf of the vast international banking conspiracy to let you know everything is moving ahead as planned. We’ve been distracted as we rig the presidential election, but stay tuned for more developments because later this week, we’re summoning Satan to help
MICHAEL MOORE: Alright, thanks for attending today’s gala. And make sure to set your calendars. We’ve got Shariah Law set to go into effect on the 9th of next month. And if all goes well, the complete destruction of all we hold dear should start about two weeks after that. Oh, and don’t forget the Pre-Apocalypse Ball, where the Indigo Girls and the ghost of Jerry Garcia will be performing. Thanks again!