I keep reading about guilt-ridden older people clearing their houses of clutter so when they die, their kids won’t have to face that terrible task. The digital magazine NextAvenue recently published, “Sorry, Your Kids Don’t Want Your Stuff” and admonished the boomers to make a clean sweep.
We elders are even advised not to accumulate any more things because of the burden this may prove to our children.
For instance, an in-law of mine once refused to buy a small sculpture she loved because, “What will the kids do with it?” She lived another 10 years: a decade when she could have enjoyed that piece every day.
Why are we so concerned with the possessions we will leave behind and how our heirs will dispose of them? If the things we own give us innocent pleasure (no one is injured by our appreciation) — why not just hang onto them?
Your heirs may not see the need for all seven volumes of “Remembrance of Things Past,” and you may never open a single one of those books again, but if it gives you satisfaction to see them on your shelf (oh, what a reader you once were!), keep each and every volume! Similarly, don’t give away all the rocks or pennants or Christmas tree ornaments you’ve collected in your travels just to spare your heirs — not if those minerals and trinkets make you smile. And, who knows, your kids may end up vying for the best ornaments.
What about the 12 vases you’ve somehow acquired? Of course, they’ll never hold flowers all at once, but if you like the look of the sun shining through them when they’re empty ... just keep them!
But what if those boxes in the attic or basement truly weigh on your contentment? If that’s the case, then by all means deal with them, perhaps with a friend — sort them into the usual three piles: keep, give away, trash.
However, if you scarcely give those boxes a thought, why start now? Even if you never look at your cartons of old letters or shoes, it doesn’t mean you must discard them. There are more important things to think about and do. Who has the time or inclination for a thorough inventory and purge? If it was fun to do, you’d have done it long ago.
Don’t be guilt-tripped into the anxiety of surfeit!
But the children! Oh, how will those sensitive souls deal with all your things? Let’s shield them from this dreadful burden. Let’s all engage in Swedish Death Cleaning and examine every object we own to see if it still has value to us. How our heirs will extoll us!
By now they may be well into middle age, so these are not irresponsible youngsters who will fall apart if asked to make some choices. No, these are mature individuals who will probably find it a lot easier than you to decide what to keep of yours and what to discard. So, to use a popular Instagram philosophy, “Let them!”
Think of how much you’ve put into raising them to the responsible maturity they now enjoy! How you took them to their sports practices and orthodonture appointments and playdates! How you chose the best schools and camps and colleges for them — and how much this all cost.
If they spend a couple of weeks going through the contents of your house, I don’t think it’s such a big deal. They may discover interesting things from the past, such as their grandfather’s master’s thesis or their mother’s collection of belts. If they are siblings, they may find themselves talking about their parents in new ways as they go through their possessions.
The siblings in Ann Patchett’s latest novel “Whistler” become closer as they go through their parents’ things, and they even spot a locked box containing antique watches and diamonds behind a loose brick. Being in the family house and sorting through the family belongings may help the bereaved process their grief. And adult children may get to know their parents even better than before.
If it’s all just too much for the so-called “kids,” they can aways hire a company to clear out the house, and you can make a provision for this in your will, if you think it’s for the best. It’s not that expensive — perhaps a couple thousand dollars.
So enjoy what you have — the knickknacks on the mantlepiece, the feather boa in its box, even if that’s where it always stays — if the mere thought of it makes you happy. So, perhaps, do those white ice skates you will never use again, though you once glided fearlessly over the ice in them — and maybe your granddaughter will, too. That is the hope: that your things will have new life with your progeny, and that some things will bring them pleasure, too.
For now, take the weight off yourself. Relax amid your friendly clutter. Remember: You don’t have to do anything about your things!
Catherine Hiller’s weekly Substack newsletter is “The Pleasure Principle.” She is writing a book about pleasure for those over 50 as well as a humor book about old age. Her pioneering memoir, “Just Say Yes: A Marijuana Memoir,” was recently reissued in a 10th-anniversary edition. Her most recent novel, “Cybill Unbound,” is about the sexual adventures of an older woman. Hiller is also the author of a short story collection, “Skin,” which John Updike called “Good, brave, and joyful fiction,” and five other novels. Short pieces have appeared in the New York Times Sunday Review, AARP Magazine, Ms., the Girlfriend, NextTribe, the Westchester Review and the Antioch Review. She is co-producer of the documentary film “Paul Bowles: The Complete Outsider.”
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