I Will Always Show Up For My Child, But I Can’t Promise I’ll Always Enjoy the Ride

“How’s motherhood?”

It's a question that I’ve heard a lot over the past year and a half. 

When I am there, sifting through my mind for a response, I come to replies like “It’s the best thing that has ever happened to me” and “Being a mom brings me true joy and fulfillment.”

But when I say them out loud, it feels a bit phony to me.

In these moments, I begin to wonder whether most mothers truly feel this way — that motherhood is an amazing experience; that they truly love and enjoy being mothers all the time.

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Being a Mom

Yes, the feat of being a mother in and of itself is a triumph.

Many of house tiny humans within our bodies and continue to nurture them with our bodies after they are born.

We protect their existence with every ounce of our being, and hold the influence to mould their young minds and personalities with every decision we make. Yes, we are capable of such astounding feats, all while screaming for help inside our exhausted and overwhelmed minds.

Motherhood serves up some very special, lovable, and heart-wrenchingly beautiful moments … interspersed with many (many) recurring moments of frustration, feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt and loss of control.

When I hopped onto this roller-coaster of a journey, I found that the messy feelings that came along with the ride were often swept under the rug in the public mom sphere.

"In some ways, as I was forging a new identity, I was mourning the loss of an old one."

I felt blindsided when I became a mother. Why did other moms speak only of the beauty of the blessing of motherhood, but not of the immense challenges it brought?

I was unable to find discussions of just how profoundly tiring motherhood is. Where were the parents like me who desperately just wanted a few moments of "selfish" peace, and who faced debilitating guilt for thinking that way?

Motherhood has forced me to face myself every single day. I had a rude awakening to my shortcomings, my triggers and all of the emotions that came after becoming a parent and losing my "old life." 

In some ways, as I was forging a new identity, I was mourning the loss of an old one. I missed my old self. I missed the freedom to pursue my passions and hobbies at a whim. I missed the luxury of being lazy. I resented becoming the type of mom that was always on her phone, but I also craved conversations and a mental escape.

Being a good role model for my child was so inherently important to me, but being a mom has truthfully brought out some of my worst moments.

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Millennial Moms

Motherhood as a millennial comes with a unique set of pressures.

I’ve often heard the saying “It takes a village to raise a child.” Social media became that village for me.

On the one hand, it's an incredibly useful resource for a variety of helpful parenting techniques. It’s also a way to learn from the experiences of other parents. But on the other hand, the volume of available information became far too easy for me to over-consume, and the ease with which I began to play the comparison game was unnerving.

I began wading through a laundry list of products and activities that claim to aid in raising a well-adjusted child. Instead of feeling empowered, I was beginning to drown.

"I was tired of questioning whether I was giving enough to my child."

My social media feed was inundated with immaculate pictures of young, trendy families enjoying scenic locations, of beautifully decorated birthdays executed with professionalism.

But these images spoke nothing of the tiring tantrums that preceded those cute pigtails or the story behind what went into baking that tremendous birthday cake that lay ready to be smashed by a bemused one-year-old.

The photos glossed over the constant waking in the middle of the night, the power struggle when getting strapped into a car seat, the mental lists that were created and rehearsed when packing for a short outing, and the tears that we both shared that day for no particular reason.

I began to feel dissatisfied with my own personal motherhood journey. I was tired of questioning whether I was giving enough to my child. And I was tired of doubting myself, wondering if I could pursue more or do better.

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A Social Curse

This was what I perceived to be the millennial curse.

There is always a propensity toward ambition, and social pressures that drive me.

All the while, I find that I'm always chasing balance, which for me is a balance between my new identity as a mother and all of the other labels I have attached to myself, like those attributed to work, hobbies and personal achievements.

"Why did other moms speak only of the beauty of the blessing of motherhood, but not of the immense challenges it brought?"

Like many parents, I felt a pull to present an exuberant social image, even when I did not feel anything remotely exuberant in my mind. I've looked at being busy as a badge of honour, as if always doing something in addition to raising a child gave me some kind of cachet.

I knew it was doable, but I have begun to question whether it is really all that desirable.

What am I striving for when I'm already stretched thin? That's a question I kept asking myself.

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A Heritage Moment

As a millennial mother of South Asian heritage, I’ve faced competing intergenerational pressures.

While becoming a mother is almost expected in South Asian culture, so is handling motherhood with grace.

Culturally, motherhood bestows upon women a newfound value, insofar as we sacrifice and succeed in nurturing well-fed and well-behaved kids. But did I not hold value regardless of my role and my successes?
My emotional struggles felt like failures.

I found that I tiptoed around approaching the topic of postpartum depression and rage, the latter of which I was grappling with, but could not make sense of for months because of the sheer lack of open discussion.

And so, in my experience, the struggles were minimized, at times unintentionally. After all, the older generation got through it, and with far fewer resources than we had. So, why is it so hard for us? I found myself at a crossroad.

"We are allowed to unravel."

I did not feel like the composed mother lauded by my South Asian culture, nor did I feel like the balanced mother idealized by millennial culture.

In trying to navigate this world as a South Asian millennial mom, I have started to reassess what my priorities are, while evaluating my life to find out who I really want to be.

I have learned that I need to scale back and rely more on my own intuition.

I want to do my part to eliminate the taboo surrounding common challenges that many mothers across cultures and generations face.

We are allowed to unravel. Our roles as mothers and our value as humans do not diminish when we vent out of frustration, talk about the struggles or ask for help.

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It's OK to Sigh

The negativity we experience will never take away from the unconditional love that we harbour for our children (as if this needs to be disclaimed).

I am learning that dismissing the complexity of this all-encompassing experience will only build feelings of resentment and inadequacy. I am learning to honour all of my identities that existed prior to motherhood and ensure that each cup gets filled so that I can continue giving with generosity and compassion rather than with distress. I am learning to accept it all — the anger, the doubt, the tears, the laughs and the moments of pure bliss.

So, when I am asked “How’s motherhood?” the simple response I can give is: I don’t always love motherhood, but I will always show up. Sometimes, it’s with a smile, and sometimes with a sigh. But it’s always with deep gratitude and with the understanding that I am learning and growing with my child every day.