The pandemic eased my social anxiety. I'm scared now that the world is reopening

This is a First Person column by Crystal MacCormac, a medical secretaryin Charlottetown. For more information about CBC's First Person stories, please seethe FAQ.

Before the pandemic hit, I was somewhat antisocial.I planned myshopping and choresin one day soI could avoid crowds multiple times a week. To-do lists were my life and I compiledthem throughout the weekso nothing would be missed on errand day. Large crowds frustrated me, so I tried to avoid themand the guaranteed annoyance that would remain with me for hours afterward.

I did not visit friends or family often.I didn't have gatherings in my home.I mostly stayed to myself.

Don't get me wrongit's not that I don't love my family and friendsor people in general. I am actually a compassionate and empathetic person who typically puts everyone else first. However my social anxiety was triggered by bothlarge groups and in smaller groups where I felt pressure to keep conversation flowing. I also dislike the uncertainty ofnot knowing who might be at a certain functionor what the plans might be.

So when the pandemic hit, I finally had a legitimateexcuse to reduce social contact.

Running errands became easier, too. With fewerpeople out, the option of curbside pick-up, contactless payments andmore delivery options, I was in my comfort zone even outside the house.

There was no frustration from the crowds, no road rage while zipping around town, very little need to interact with people in general.

That oldanxiety is rushing back

But now, as the P.E.I. opensup, mask mandates are ending, and tourists are returning (possibly in droves), my anxiety is reaching all new levels.

For someone like me, who had social anxiety before the pandemic, it's like I am going through itfor the first time all over again.It has been such a peaceful two years anxiety-wise, and nowit's washing over me again all at onceinstead of it building up over time like it did before the pandemic.

I am once again struggling with going shopping, getting gas, doing laundry in a laundromat, going to sporting eventseven just going for a walk around my neighbourhood has allthat anxiety flooding back stronger than before.Or maybe it's just thatmy tolerance and coping mechanisms aren't as strong as they used to be.

Building uncertainty

Sure, some things like grocery pick-up will still be an option, but most other things are slowly shifting to what will be our new normal.

But can I handle it?Can I learn to navigate daily activities again?What can I do if I falter, or if I can't accomplish these things on my own? Will I need medication again? At what point do I seek help?Should I start the process now in case I can't get helpin a timely manner?

And what about my husband who finally has a wife who he can do things with?Will he suffer?Will hebe as patient with me as he was before?

I don't want to be the friend that never visits again.I don't want to be the family member who never attends functions again.I don't want to be the one that needs to shop alone so I don't yell at my husband from the frustration in crowds. But mostly, I don't want to stay home all the time anymore.

I'm ready, but I'm scared

I'm not saying I want the restrictions to continue. I trust the experts when they say we can do so safely.

That's when I remind myself of what I have.

I'm one of the lucky ones because I am not alone.I have a husband who stands by my side always.And yet it is still hard.

And as hard as the anxiety is for me, I realize the pandemic has beenharder on everyone worldwide.People are feeling isolated, frustrated, pushed to their limits and beyond, stressed because of added responsibilities and pressures, and all with fewto no people to support themor systems in place to help ease these burdens.

I want the world to open back up and the community I live in to become strong and united once again.I want to see people talking instead of arguing,letting go of the anger and frustration of the past two years.I want the healing to begin, families to reconnect, the economy to recover.And I want to see governments around the world return their focus to all of theissues that have been neglected or ignored because of the pandemic.

I am more than ready for restrictionsto lift, but I am also nervous.

SoI am going to fight my hardest for myself and for whoI want to be, tohelp others who might be in a similar position but don't have anyone to help them. I want to help ease the fear in others who suffer like I have.I want to, but can I?

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