Holiday visits with family can be an ordeal for LGBTQ people, says trans activist

Spending the holidayswith family can be an awkward and stressful experience forpeople navigating their sexuality or gender identity.

Felix Vandergrift, anassociate director with Gender Affirming Care Nova Scotia, said identifying someone by the wrong gender or calling them by a name they no longer usecan add to the stress that trans people already have in negotiating their transition.

Vandergrift said trans people already face those things on a daily basis and it "doesn't feel great" to hear them from family and friends at a time that is supposed to be about getting together.

Trans people are tired and just want to enjoy a meal and some rest like everyone else, Vandergrift told Information Morning Halifax host Portia Clark.

This is a condensed version of theirconversation thathas been edited for clarity and length.

So you might not be looking forward to hanging out with family if you're anticipating maybe having to correct people or educate them?

Reeducating every time we introducesomeone new or every time we see someone we haven't seen in a while.... It can be very exhausting andI just want to enjoy my turkey dinner like everybody else.

An issue that might come up is 'this is the the name I use now'or 'these are the pronouns I go by now'... those might come up a lot when you're talking to people you haven't seen for awhile?

This is a great time of year to have discussions.

My family and I are doing it right now with: what are some boundaries, what can we do to make you feel safe, what are some ways we can support you?

If you're not sure,it's a great week to be having those conversations leading up to any major family dinner or family event. How can the family support the person in their life who is going through a transition or is unsureor is part of the LGBTQ community? Either how best to use pronouns, what name you would prefer?.

It can be really stressful for those of us who aren't out or questioning and might be out to a few friends, but maybe not members of our family and it can create a lot of tension and a lot of friction. So it's difficult.

In some cases might the familyconsidernot inviting someone who they can foresee will be a problem?

That's a conversationthat should be happening this week.

I think particularly in the Maritimes, but it's not solely a Maritimes thing, where we like to uphold politeness andthose good old family values. Sometimes that ends up really harming people and doing a lot of mental damage.

Just basic human respect and respecting pronouns and respecting people's name is kind of a bare minimum standard.

It doesn't really matter what the closeness of the relation is, if people are not going to recognize you for how you are identifying,maybe it's a discussion to have with the family of separating those people or having separate events or how best to sort of make that environment safe for that person of the community to come home to.

What about, and this comes up with people of the older generationsometimes,that they're from a different time, or they have trouble understanding what's going on, or or certain concepts?

A good friend of mine, their parents are in their 70s and had no problems understanding. They were born and raised in the small community ... so I don't really find that to be a really good excuse.

I feel, like most trans people, ... we're not here to cause problems. We just want to go and enjoy a dinner and a relaxing time with our family withoutour existence being a talking point or something that generates friction.

So to the older generation, I would say it's not really a good excuse anymore, but there is a lot of patience forwanting to change and learn withthe new accepted behaviours.

What's the etiquette around talking to a family member who'snot out to you personally, but you want to let them know that you're a safe person to talk to?

It's important to know that no matter what your family relation, you do not have the right to ask somebody about their medical transition, their sexuality or their genitals or any of those things.

Those things are very privateand I wouldn't ask them of my mother, sibling or anything else. So it's not OK for them to ask that of me just because I am identifying as a member of the queer community.

But also on top of that, if you are wanting to let someone know that they are safe with you, you know, keep it in the same sort of tonality that you would asking somebody about their school or their job or something like that.

Just make it sort of conversational andnot interrogative.

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