My teen is stressed out: Tips for parents

"So many people struggle with anxiety in silence. They don't tell other people and they are keeping secrets that aren't helpful to them," says Dr.John Walker.

Walker is a clinical psychologist, researcher and professor in the Department of Clinical Health Psychology at the University of Manitoba and has spent years working with children,parents and adults in overcoming anxiety problems.

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He spoke with CBC Information Radio host Marcy Markusarecently about what parents can do to help their children through mental health issues in their teens.

This interviewhas been edited for clarity and length.

Why do some parents not believe their teen children when they come to them with mental health concerns?

Sometimes I think the challenges parents face is they don't know how to approach the problem. They see a problem with their children and they don't know the kind of active role they can take in helping their children.

Some of the programs in Winnipeg really focus on supporting parents to communicate effectively with their children, to understand how to work on problem resolution and to help their children build up confidence.

But what about parents who approach the situation innocently enough and tell their kids, "I went through something similar: you should be able to just get out more and that will help you."

The old advice about anxiety problems was, "Just hold on and you'll grow out of it." A lot of the problems people don't grow out of; they do learn their way out of if they have some support.

My impression is that most parents really are game to give support and try their best. Often they don't know the best way to go. They're sort of perplexed by a problem their child is facing that is different than what they faced.

How can parents tell the difference between a "teen phase" sleepiness, grumpiness, friendship issues and something that runs much deeper?

You can see signs of trouble coming if your young person is showing a lot more emotional distress than usual and if you see changes in their behaviour from the typical.

You've been with your child year after year, and if you see dramatic and sudden changes in behaviour, that's something to really become alert to, and get engaged in, and see if you can work on some problem solvingand get some outside help if that's what you think would fit.

Many kids hide mental health issues from their parents. How do you get around that?

Right at kindergarten age, Grade 1 ageand so on, adults and parents can work on good communication and helping their children express themselves, express emotions and to learn problem solving about how to handle interpersonal problems.

How common is it for an outwardly high-achieving teen to be struggling internally?

This kind of struggle can happen to anyone. One thing we really encourage kids and parents to work on early on is to let go of perfectionism perfectionism is a real issue here.

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Really, you can't learn without making mistakes. Psychologists encourage parents, kids, teachers to encourage others around themto take risks and make mistakes. And when you make a mistake, there is something to be learned there. It's not a bad thing.

How do you get the message across that mistakes are OK?

Parents need to listen a lot and have family time. There are a lot of things now crowding out family time: screen time, phones, a lot of things competing for our attention. Make sure you spend time with your kids.

Often it's good not to rush in with solutions, not to push a solution they're not going to accept anyway, but just to work with them on problem solving.

How do you encourage resilience inteenagers?

You need to start very, very early: kindergarten, Grade 1, Grade 2, working on independence, working on problem solving. The approach is to listena lot and encourageyour child to take on a lot take on the independence that's right for their age level. When you do that kind of work, you're really steeling them against future challenges.

What if you haven't done that work early on, and now you have a teenager and you admittedly don't "get it?"

The key thing is to listen a lot. All of us, when we see a problem we're tempted to offer a solution to other people. Other people often don't accept our solutions. Listen a lot, support them in problem solving and stick with it.

Why are so many more teens at least seemingly struggling with anxiety today?

We can't be sure that there are "more," actually. It's always been a problem and it used to get neglected in the past. I think the awareness has increased a lot, which is really good.

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But also our world has changed in many ways. The technology is just washing over us, so the life someone had 50 years ago and the life we have now are different.

I'm not convinced it's more stressful now. It might be less stressful, but there's new challenges. Some of the interpersonal challenges of social media, and the expectations children have for success and prosperity, may be hard to meet nowadays.

Where should parents turn for help?

I think step No. 1 is the school. The school has a lot of experience dealing with other young people and they'll have a good idea of how your child is doing compared to others the same age. They can often steer you toward good resources in your own community.

Other places to get help:

• Kids Help Phone:1-800-668-6868 (Phone), Live Chat counselling atwww.kidshelpphone.ca.
• Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention:Find a24-hour crisis centre.
• StressHacks: Mental health website for Manitoba teens.