Happy holidays? Options for Manitobans who are grieving this season

Underneath the lights, the sparkle and the green of the Christmas treeis an unwelcome gift that thousands of Manitobans unwrap every holiday season.

For people who are grieving, the holiday season can be unbearable, saysMary-Jo Bolton, the clinical director at KlinicCommunity Health.

"[What] we hear the most about, though, is the people talking about how to cope with Christmas, and that typically means the anticipation of feelings, disconnected from loved ones, people that have died or relationships that have strained or been severed.

"People expressing fear about the holidays, about being lonely and alone is something that we get a fair bit this time of year."

It's not just grief in relation to death, she said.

"The other thing we hear a lot ... [is]grief and sadness for families around not being able to give, say, their kids what they want to at the holiday time. There's lots of folks that live in poverty, single parents, who want to be able to provide for their kids during the holiday times and they, financially, they just can't do what they would really love to do."

How to cope

Everybody grieves differently, and there is no right or wrong way to get through the holiday season, said Jennifer Gurke, executive director of Palliative Manitoba.

"Number 1, it's OKto grieve during the holiday season," she said. "We all experience it different and I think that it's really important to acknowledge.

"For some people, carrying on traditions during the holiday that remind them of their loved one is really important and it helps them through their grieving process. For other people, starting new traditions or stopping an old tradition and not engaging in new traditions is OKtoo.

"We could never say to anybody, 'Well, you're grieving right,' or 'You're grieving wrong,' because it is an individual, unique experience."

Klinic's counsellorstry to stay away from giving generic advice and instead ask questions, Bolton said.

"What do you think you're needing? What are your fears about the holidays? What are your hopes? What kind of planning feels important for you to do? Can you be flexible? What if your needs change day to day? Can you switch your plans and tune in and pay attention to what it is you're feeling and you're needing?

"Obviously we can give people information about resources or maybe some tips about how to be kind and compassionate to themselves when they're feeling lonely or stressed over the holidays."

Symbolic gestures

One of the most public ways to acknowledge grief is Palliative Manitoba's Memory Tree, which is entering its 30th year.

The 18-foot tree at St. Vital Centre will be decorated with some 2,000 cards, each bearing the name of a lost loved one, Gurke said.

People are given a card and write down a loved one's name and whatever else they wish, said Gurke.

"Some feel really relieved that they've been able to kind of publicly acknowledge the grief that they're experiencing," she said. "Some have had difficulties putting cards on the trees because that grief is so very fresh to them, so it can be a very difficult experience.

"But for a lot of people it's definitely part of that healing process for them, publicly acknowledging the grief, recognizing that even though the loved one isn't aroundor alive anymore that person is still very near and dear to their heart."

To protect people's anonymity, cards are gathered after Christmas Eveand burned in a special ceremony involving Palliative Manitoba staff and healers, Gurkesaid.

Some tips to get through the holidays, from KlinicCommunity Health and Palliative Manitoba:

• Don't be afraid to reach out to Klinic'sgeneral crisis line (204-786-8686) or Palliative Manitoba (204-889-8525) to ask for help or resources.
• Be upfront with friends and loved ones about what holiday traditions you're willing to do or not do, while understanding others may wish to do things differently.
• Contact your local church or faith group to see if they are holding a special service for those who are grieving during the holiday time.
• Be kind and compassionate to yourself.
• Find other tips here.