The new sleeping arrangement: Why some couples are choosing separate bedrooms

Cameron Diaz is a fan. So is Carson Daly. While couples sleeping in separate beds or bedrooms might seem surprising, a 2023 U.S. survey of 2,200 people found that one in five couples sleep in separate rooms, with about two-thirds of those doing so every night. This practice, sometimes called a "sleep divorce," is more common than many people realize.

While sleeping apart has traditionally been seen as a sign of marital trouble, experts suggest it's time to revisit that outdated thinking so we can all get a good night's sleep.

Prioritizing sleep

Sleep loss is the main reason couples choose to sleep separately, said Dr. Mark Boulous, a neurologist at Sunnybrook Health Sciences Centre. While a 2022 study found benefits to sharing a bed with your partner, including improved sleep and mental health, for some, it all comes down to your partner's sleep habits. Disruptions like snoring, restlessness, bathroom breaks and different sleep schedules can add up to as much as an hour of lost sleep, said Boulous. "So, it can have a major impact," he said.

Poor sleep can lead to a host of issues, including health problems, difficulties in mood regulation, reduced cognitive function and a lower threshold of pain tolerance. These effects can negatively impact a person's productivity and self-esteem, as well as their relationships, said Janna Comrie, a Whitby, Ont.-based psychotherapist and director of Comrie Counselling.

"When you're more anxious, or you're feeling depressed, or you're feeling exhausted, or you're feeling frustrated because you haven't had a good sleep, you're shorter with your partner. You're more likely to argue. You're less likely to find creative solutions to problems," Comrie said.

According to Allison Villa, a Toronto-based psychotherapist, it's common for new parents to sleep separately. "One person tunes into the kid's sleep cycle usually, and the other person that night gets to sleep uninterrupted," she said. "At least one person has a better sleep, and so you can kind of pass the baton in that way."

That was the case for Amy Jones, a 36-year-old mother of two in Huntsville, Ont., who began sleeping apart from her husband when her son was about six months old. Her husband would sleep with their then-four-year-old son while she slept with the baby. "I never ever would have thought this would have been our dynamic before kids, but we know it's temporary, and it works super well for us!" she said at the time. (These days, she and her husband are back to sleeping in the same room most nights.)

Lindsay Dimatteo, a 40-year-old mother of two from Toronto, had a similar experience. In 2020, she and her husband started sleeping separately because her pregnancy snoring was disturbing his sleep. They made the arrangement permanent after realizing that sleeping in their own bedrooms meant they both got better-quality sleep.

"We believe that our sleeping arrangement has been a big factor in the success of our happy relationship," she wrote in an email. "Having a busy family and working full-time can be exhausting at times. Getting a proper sleep every night helps us to be less irritable with one another and allows us to have some much-needed time alone."

The potential downside

Given the benefits, it's no surprise that the desire for a night of good sleep is important to many. Sleeping separately can be problematic, though, when intimacy and communication are not prioritized.

Sleeping together creates an opportunity for intimacy, said Comrie. If a couple are both awake at 2 a.m., for example, there's an opportunity for spontaneous connection. But, "if you're in two different bedrooms, you're not going to know your partner is awake."

There is also something special about going to bed at the same time as your partner, said Villa. "There's just this feeling of safety. Sleeping is a very vulnerable state, so to be able to do that together, to be falling asleep at the same time and experiencing that vulnerability together, it's a real opportunity for trust-building," she said.

For some people, a partner's request to sleep separately could feel like rejection or a way to get back at them for something else that's bothering them. "It can cause relationship disconnection if it's not handled properly and if there isn't really good communication about it," said Comrie.

Villa echoes this. Depending on how someone feels about sleeping separately, there can be a lot of layers to unpack. She recommends working with a mental health professional.

Get creative to maintain intimacy

Though there may be fewer opportunities for building trust and intimacy during sleep when you don't share a bed with your partner, that doesn't mean those connections can't be nurtured in different ways. The key is to make it a priority and find a solution that works for your relationship.

One couple Comrie sees goes to bed together at night to hang out and cuddle for a couple of hours before sleeping in separate bedrooms. But if mornings work better, she said, whoever wakes up first can go to the other person's bed so they can start their morning together. She also counsels a couple who, due to busy work schedules, have negotiated sleeping separately Monday to Thursday. "You can certainly negotiate [separate sleeping arrangements] and still have a really connected, really healthy, positive relationship," said Comrie.

Sexual intimacy before bed can also help with sleep quality. In a 2023 study, 75 per cent of respondents reported better sleep after having sex before bedtime, and 64 per cent of those who used sleep medication felt it had a similar or worse effect on sleep compared to sex. "Just doing it the natural way with your partner can actually be very therapeutic [to aid sleep]," said Boulous.

Sleeping separately doesn't have to be a fixed arrangement. Sleep patterns and needs change throughout life, and it's important to give your relationship permission to follow those fluctuations. "It's very loving to be tending to the needs of the relationship as it evolves," said Villa. "We don't want to be rigid around that. We want to be able to flow. Because everybody is constantly changing and growing and evolving, and as a result, so is your relationship."